"Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live,
it is asking others to live as one wishes to live."
Oscar Wilde
In my dream, after we left the big city for life in a small town, I was going to live happily and blissfully, without a care in the world.
Mostly, that's true. When the lawnmowers, and the hedge clippers, and the chainsaws, and the A.T.V.'s are finally put away in my neighbourhood and the sublime voice of nature is allowed to be heard, I revel in the peace and beauty that surrounds me and give sincere thanks for the amazing grace I enjoy.
In my dream, I don't have neighbours within my line of sight, so the fellow who lives next door to us is especially annoying with his habit of coming over to visit every time we're outside and, now that summer weather has arrived, we're outside a lot.
We've dubbed him "The Neighbour Who Knows All" because of his insatiable need to regale us with his expertise on any given subject and for his habit of talking at length with little or no provocation. My favourite words of wisdom from this local sage earlier this year was to tape a penny over our dog's hernia. This would, he assured us, make it go away. I'm supremely grateful that our vet doesn't subscribe to the same wive's tale form of healthcare that he does.
He's the same guy who told my mother recently about an estate auction being held nearby. My mother, who is a hoarder, does not need any encouragement to add to her ever growing collection of stuff. Although I'm sure he means well, telling her about an auction is like leading a drug addict to a crack house.
It made me sad to watch her eyes light up upon her return from the auction when she told me about all the great deals that were to be had there. And, when she waited until after I'd gone into the house for the evening to unload her newly acquired truckload of treasures, sneaking them up the back stairs like an addict, the truth of her condition was even more painful to witness.
The tray of wine glasses she secreted away upstairs illustrates the irrationality of her condition perfectly. If there is one box of these already stored in the garage, there are a dozen of them. And, the sad reality is that she is too embarrassed by the state of her home to invite anyone inside, so the wine glasses will languish, unused and collecting dust, on a counter top somewhere because there is no room in her cupboards to store them and no guests to enjoy them with. Eventually, they too will be buried under yet more acquisitions.
It makes me sad, not because she chooses to live her life differently than I do, but because of the pain her choices are causing her. And, yet she seems powerless to do anything differently.
I know, even in my upset, that it's not about my neighbour. I realize, it's not about me either and I'm slowly learning to let it go, to live and let live. I find myself reciting the Serenity Prayer* more and more often and I ask myself, What is it that I'm meant to be learning from all this? If it's tolerance, I fear I may be at it for a long time to come.
*God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can, and
the wisdom to know the difference.
18 comments:
Beautiful photos. And what a poignant portrait of your mother.
Thank you, Karin. There are definitely rewards for getting up at the crack of dawn. *smile*
On the surface, my mother's attachment to "things" seems harmless enough, but it has a paralyzing effect that I've experienced myself when I'm in her house. It's truly overwhelming to be surrounded by so much "stuff". The mind just kind of shuts down. The high she gets when she buys something is momentary and before long she begins to feel the stifling effect of all those possessions. To feel better, she buys more and so the cycle continues. It's insidious.
Lovely photos Carolynn, so serene. I have the same neighbor....expert on everything but doesnt know jack.
Christina: I am blessed with beautiful scenery. As for the rest of it, it's all a learning experience.
It sounds as though your neighbor is lonely and trying to find a way to connect with others. Sad. Hoarding is evidently a real problem for some people and like so many addictions, not easy to break. I guess it can be done though but one has to recognize the issue.
Rain: My neighbour is an interesting fellow. I think he's a people pleasure first & foremost. At his most annoying, I remind myself that he means well.
It's taken me a lot of years even to understand the concept of hoarding. As is usually the case, I'm the polar opposite of my mother in this regard. I have a whole set of my own uniquely neurotic issues.
Make that: people pleaser.
The photos are stunning stunning.
I am terribly sad to learn about this re your Mother. We do all have our neurotic issues to be sure, but still.
I hear you on this neighbour. The irony of the situation. To live in a place where you literally feel trapped in the expanse in a way. So frustrating. And yet.. as you say and know, so much of life is. I think the more I just go with the flow the better but sometimes it would be nice to have control.
I have all five of my kids underfoot more than normal this summer and it's a sort of strange feeling of moving backward instead of forward. I feel no sense of rhythm at all. I expected so much quiet, this time to write, sew etc. Ha. Strange but life.
Carolynn, those pictures are stunning!!!
It is so sad to see the ones we love imprison themselves; and it is indeed frustrating to me to see the prison I've set for myself but I am chipping out one spoonful of dirt at a time! It is sad your mom has isolated herself with this.... the momentum required to break out of our prison gets harder and harder as we age for sure;
and it is hard to live and let live when it comes to our loved ones.....
as always, thanks for sharing!
Deb: As always, you words are profound and thought provoking. I can relate to your lack of rhythm. Some days I feel like I've accomplished nothing at all beyond entertaining my dog. So nice to have you visit.
Jane: I don't know your story, but it's clear that you have a desire to grow and that spark is all it takes to provide the impetus to move forward toward the life you desire. Keep your eyes on the prize.
First, thank you for "If You Want To Walk On Water..."! It's such a cute little thing, and full of nice peaceable wisdom.
Oh...you know...hoarding, drinking, smoking, all that stuff. It's sort of all of a piece, it seems to me. If it is an addiction, then, if you manage to squash it out in one area, it'll pop up in another. Keep in mind how good is the devil you know. It could be worse.
It could be YOU bringing home boxes of crap that you'll never use!
Neighbors. Ugh. I *heart* having no visible neighbors. I might someday die frozen in my driveway, having fallen with a broken leg, but it will have been worth it to have had no neighbors these many years.
Beautiful photos, Carolynn. The mist/fog is stunning.
Thanks for your comment this morning. Don's father passed away on Monday.
Great post, Carolynn. My brother is also a hoarder and you nailed it when you said they are powerless. It is very painful to watch, isn't it? It is often traceable back to unresolved grief, I have learned.
Your insights continue to engage me and invite me into your world. I'm so happy for you both for the move and all the things you are learning.
I just wish I could give you a big hug. I've been reading a chapter a night out of the wonderful little John Ortberg book I was so excited to receive. It is uplifting me in so many ways. I wish that I could somehow lift you up and grant you your heart's desires... no neighbor as far as the eye can see (something I wish for every day), a home of your own disentangled from your mom's abode and her issues, and the peace of understanding what all of this is meant to teach you. Where's a magic wand when you need one?
Cindy at Rosehaven Cottage
Those photos.....Carolynn, those photos.
My heart breaks, amid the sadness is acceptance and I guess we have to grab onto that, cling sometimes.
Jen @ Muddy Boot Dreams
June: You make a very good point. Ultimately, it's her choice to make. I'm with you on the neighbour thing.
Corrine: Thank you so much for your generous words and for continuing to stop by and visit from time to time. I'm not sure what the root cause of hoarding is. I wonder if it has something to do with my mother having lived through the depression era, as a child, and having to go without things.
Cindy: I'm so pleased that you're enjoying the book. I find, each time I read it, that I savour it over a few days like a sweet treat, too. As for the other stuff, I don't think I'm meant to take the magic wand route, unfortunately.
Jen: Thank you. Those photos kind of took themselves, if you know what I mean. I just pointed the camera and clicked. *smile*
Yes, some neighbors can annoy us and I suppose that is why my husband wants to live in the middle of a 20 acre property where no one can see him or get to him. This world is becoming smaller each day, I kind of choose to accept that and make a peaceful co-existence with those that live near to us. We never know when we may have to call on them for help. :-)
Especially love the third photo!!!
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