This past weekend, a number of my relatives on my mother's side congregated in our neighbourhood for a family reunion. It's shameful that this was the first time I met several of my cousins. All of them are well into adulthood and many have children of their own. I haven't seen my aunts and uncles since I was a teenager.
I felt uncomfortable, like a stranger, an invited guest who's doing her best to fit in. And, this is my mom's side of the family, the one I know. I wouldn't know a family member from my dad's side, if I was standing next to one on a crowded street corner.
I grew up in a violent household, so it should come as no surprise that I got as far away from home as I could, as soon as I could. I kept to myself, sought the company of animals, and eventually built my own small family that consisted of close friends in the big city.
My home became my sanctuary where I cultivated Peace and Solitude.
I don't bear all the responsibility for my lack of relationship with family, though. I've had hints of the slow unraveling of attachment, in the past. There was the time, for example, several years ago, when my dad called to tell me his mother, my grandmother, had passed away. The funeral had already happened and I hadn't been invited to pay my respects to this woman who had always called me her "Dearie" and made an entire wardrobe for my Barbie, by hand.
It's also kind of strange when your own mother consistently forgets your birthday, especially when you're her only biological child.
It's also kind of strange when your own mother consistently forgets your birthday, especially when you're her only biological child.
For the reunion, this past weekend, I sought my mom's advice as to how many cabbages I should buy for the coleslaw I was to bring. Surprised, she informed me that she had been planning to buy the cabbage on my behalf, because "it's for our family".
*blink*
I don't stand alone in this isolation. My mother didn't invite either of my brothers to this family reunion, nor any of her grandchildren. I discovered this, too late for any of them to make plans to join us. Even if they'd been unable to attend, the value is in being given the choice, being extended an invitation, being included.
Perhaps, she doesn't consider her stepsons, or their progeny, family, even though one of them, at the age of 16 was all that stood, literally, between her and a bullet from the gun my dad held pointed in her direction.
My mom's family is quite large and they organize these reunions on a regular basis. I have now been to two of them. I know with certainty, that had I still been living in the big city, I would not have heard about the gathering this past weekend either. The feeling is equivalent to being picked last for the team and yet, I feel oddly detached from the whole thing.
I had hoped that my new living arrangements would have provided my mother and I with an opportunity to work on and improve our relationship. Sadly, living in such close proximity seems to be having a much more destructive influence.
I had hoped that my new living arrangements would have provided my mother and I with an opportunity to work on and improve our relationship. Sadly, living in such close proximity seems to be having a much more destructive influence.
14 comments:
Perhaps not so strangely -- maybe even for obvious reasons -- a sensitive soul plus an unhappy childhood is often a breeding ground for creativity, art, and self-expression.
I think because this person, by necessity and at a very tender age, learns to observe and is desperate to understand.
Families are each unique entities with their own energy flow. It sounds like moving back to this area of the country is bringing some 'stuff' to the surface for you, which is something I'm familiar with. I often feel excluded--or tolerated--with family events, if remembered at all. Hang in there!
BTW, my grandmother made all my Barbie wardrobe, too.
I understand the difficult place you've found yourself in... I understand it very well. I don't know if knowing that someone else our there understands is any consolation. I hope so.
The hardest part for me was coming to a place of acceptance that no matter what I did or how I acted it didn't change the key players that I was hoping I could grow closer toward. Family gatherings became less excruciating when I realized that it was simply my job to show up (if I was invited) and shut up. And, interestingly, once I learned how to remove the self-imposed obligation to engage with the gathering of which I was only an "extra" to fill out the scene, I find lots of diversion playing with the pets that are at the same gathering or strolling around whatever outside venue there is with camera in hand. It's amazing how people will leave you alone when you carry a big lens in front of you. ;-)
Cindy
You, my friends, are each a valuable member of my chosen family. You raise me up and support me in innumerable ways and I am profoundly grateful for the community I've found here in cyber space.
Karin: There is much truth in what you say. One's imagination provides a welcome respite from the grim reality.
Neora: It's interesting that the very place where I'm coming face to face with difficult emotional challenges, is also the place where I'm being granted the grace to explore my creativity and get in touch with my authentic self. Thank you for sharing your own similar experiences.
Cindy: Knowing that I'm not alone in this, is enormously healing. Intellectually, I understand that I cannot change my mother. I'm puzzling my way through to understanding who I want to be in this equation and what I'm meant to learn.
I can identify with feeling like an outsider to your family but mine is much less hurtful and not violent in history. I was just the quiet introverted one, interested in poetry and horses, so the isolation is more from a lack of shared interest than anything. I have had a little taste of the "our" family exclusion with my stepchildren who do not consider me family (even after almost 15 years with their father). The sting that brings is sharp and very painful. I can't even imagine how much harder it would be coming from a biological mother. Hang in there. You are doing all the right things to surround yourself with healthy relationships (husband, animals, friends). Take care of yourself, and try not to let the hurtful behaviors affect you (even though I know that's pretty impossible). Go for a walk and breathe...
Annette: Funny you should say that, I've been taking my dog on lots of long walks in the field behind our house. It's remarkable, how the simple act of moving and breathing fresh air helps to clear the mind. My husband has two grown daughters who were not very accepting of me initially, to put it politely. We're only a year into our marriage and the ice is just beginning to thaw, ever so slightly.
Oh Carolynn, my heart aches for you.... yet somehow finds comfort knowing I am not the only one who has come face to face with disappointment with family. I like what Neora said about all this stuff being brought to the surface, perhaps now it can turn into a positive influence for your life despite its negativity! You are such a dear soul and I do believe what "altadenahiker" has to say about the depth of creativity that has come from it. You are a dear and have been an amazing inspiration to me over the years.....
Jane: There is something to said for having a hand to hold in the dark. Your faith in me is invaluable and has helped to bolster me through a lot of my creative challenges, my friend.
Carolynn, I read that post and my heart aches for you, it's not the way anyone should be treated, but will that change it? Probably not.
In the end you will be able to live with the fact that you tried valiantly to be her daughter, the fault lay with her.
I am sorry that she can't see that.
Jen @ Muddy Boot Dreams
Jen: It's a weird dynamic, that's for sure. I have good days and bad and I'm doing my best to just get along, in the meantime.
Family is a strange thing. I do not believe we are required to love anyone, even our "family". I dont have anything much to do with my dad's family. After he passed I didnt even have to pretend I gave a damn.
Carolynn you have come out the other side, survived and made a different life and family for yourself. Lots of people dont so be proud and at peace if you can.
I took solace in reading this post, and like you have such a myriad of disheartened feelings with my own family. Most times, I feel like an outsider too. My mom occasionally forgot my birthday too. For some reason, that always hurt. I never expected anything grand, or even special; but to know that you're always remembered is important. Growing up, I always loved my aunts and uncles, and thought they "loved" me, or at least had fond feelings for me; but since the death of my mother, I have no relatives outside my one sister. For reasons unbeknownst to me, my sister and I have been cast aside as if we never existed. That kind of hurt is especially hard to get past. So, "family" remains an elusive, and sometimes foreign word to me. I understand how you feel. Just because there is shared bloodlines, really means nothing to me. Big hugs to you Carolyn. There is comfort in numbers, and your post shows that we are far from alone in how we feel.
Christina: It's strange, the course our lives takes, isn't it?
C-ingspots: I agree, blood is not always thicker than water. It's a sad thing, in many respects, that we're not alone in this.
Now I know why that tender heart of yours is so tender. I commend you on the courage you've had to muster to leave your former life and embark on this path of reconciliation. It sounds like your mother has built many barriers to protect herself. As much as we wish our inner healing could come to us from outside, it is a lonely exploration of self and acceptance we must do for ourselves. Much love and courage to you, friend.
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